Da, Da, Da

November 6, 2011

A rather more experimental Mikiature this time, where "experimental" is synonymous for "desperate". I'm not the first person in the world - I think I'm probably the seventh or eighth - to have noticed that 95% of the bad words in English begin with D. It took me over 200 minutes to write these 200 words. I wonder if that makes me the slowest (and worst) writer in history? OK, here goes. If you want to hear me trying to read my rubbish, click here . . .

Da, Da, Da


Driving disastrously down Drizzly Descent during Denmark’s depression, Dreamy Dave deemed “dem d-words” decidedly demoralising:


dum d-words -> damn, dank, dark, dearth, death, debt, die, dim, dirt, don’t, doom, dope, doubt, drown, drab, dread, dregs, drink, drone, droop, drop, drugs, dull, dumb, dump, dusk, dust, Dan, Darth, Dick


dum-da d-words -> damage, danger, darkness, daunting, D-Day, deadline, deadly, deathbed, deathtrap, deathly, debris, defect, demon, despot, devil, dickhead, didn’t, dimwit, dingy, dipstick, dire, dirty, dismal, dodgy, doesn’t, dogshit, doomsday, dopey, downside, downturn, dozy, dragon, drama, drawback, dreaded, dreary, drowsy, dungeon, Duncan, Dalek, Davros


dum-da-da d-words -> dangerous, dastardly, defecate, demonise, denigrate, desperate, destitute, detriment, devilish, difficult, dogsbody, Dracula, Damien


da-dum d-words -> debase, default, degrade, demean, deny, depressed, deride, descend, despair, despise, detract, distress, defeat, Denise


da-dum-da d-words -> damnation, defective, deficient, degrading, demeaning, demonic, denial, depressing, derision, despondent, dilemma, disaster, discouraged, disparage, disturbing, dramatic, Delilah, Drusilla


da-dum-da-da d-words -> degenerate, demoralise, demotivate, discouraging, disparaging, draconian, Dickensian, Demetrius


da-da-dum-da d-words -> desperation, destitution, diabolic, disadvantage, disappointment, disillusion, Desdemona


D-word detractors despised Dave’s diabolically drafted “Daft Dimerick”:


Dave’s Daft Dimerick


Drusilla’s Dad’s definitely deadly

Delilah’s deeds detonate debris

Damnation! Despair!

Dark demons declare,

“Dis dimerick’s downrightly deathly!”


Dear, doh dear, doh dear!


Lift You Up

October 31, 2011



Another recent Mikiature, and a chance to post a link to one of most amazing singers I have been privileged to see in concert, just months before he was killed in a tragic accident: Steve Lee. Rest in peace. OK, here goes . . .


In the year 3030 . . .

‘So, how do these things work, Stan?’

            ‘Stand back and I’ll show you. What you do is lift your right foot up like this and put it down here. Got that? Now comes...

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You Know My Name (Look Up The Number)

October 16, 2011
Another Mikiature. An old one, actually, but I just got round to recording it:

You Know My Name (Look Up The Number)


‘OK, everyone, let’s check your homework.’


                ‘Yes, Juan, homework. Did you do it?’

                ‘No. I forget.’

                ‘Sorry, Juan, no points for honesty.’


                ‘Never mind, Juan. OK, what page was it, Ana?’



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This Is How It Always Starts

October 12, 2011

One more Mikiature for the collection:


‘Just write down the first thing that comes into your head.’

            ‘Like what?’

            ‘Well, like that, for example.’

            ‘What? “Like what?” ’


            ‘Not exactly Shakespeare, is it, Reggie?’

            ‘What do you want to write like Shakespeare for?’

            ‘I don’t. I want to write like David Foster Wallace.’


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Start Me Up

October 5, 2011

Here's another Mikiature I wrote recently . . .

Mick pressed the dreaded button and braced himself. What delights would his beloved PC hold in store for him today? A prompt to install Service Pack 21? An invitation to upgrade to Media Player 49? A reminder that his yearly anti-virus subscription would expire in 11 months’ time?

            He knew the routine well by now for, regardless of  program, the procedure was always the same:


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Five Years

September 20, 2011


Sept 23rd. Pat died five years ago today:


This photo was taken at Sue's wedding (19th May, 2001). It's one of the few that I have of Pat and me together. Behind us, you can see Brian and Uncle Bernard engaged in a heated discussion on parking options in Totteridge Drive.


Although Pat had never enjoyed good health, her sudden death caught us all by surprise; especially poor Dave, of course, who was with her at t...

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Games Without Frontiers

September 20, 2011



Here are a few games that you too can play at home.


Dump your bags here!


What’s the point of taking your bags to your bedroom when you can dump them in the Baggage Meeting Point in the hall? As the bags pile up, it’s fun occasionally to sift through them, trying to identify their owner, their function and whether the bag is just visiting, on its way in, out, up, down . . . or here to stay for ever.


Open those doors...

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July 6, 2011


I can’t stand it anymore. My blood boils every time I see them: the five most abused, misused and misspelt words in the English sandwich. Er, language, sorry. OK, here goes . . .


5. its / it’s / its’

Its refers to possession and means “of it”.

It’s is a contracted form of It is or It has.

Its’ is not an English word and means nothing.


Wrong: *Its important to know its’ meaning.

Right: It’s important to k...

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The Six Teens

June 14, 2011

Wrote - and recorded - an entire novel at the weekend. Not exactly Shakespeare, but you've got to start somewhere:


here for Mikicast


six silly six-word stories



Once upon a time I cried.



-Marry me!

-Piss off!

-Fair enough.



Woke up . . . got up . . . threw up.



-Was it you?

-Yes it was.



-Hey, mind ...

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Knockin' On Heaven's Door

June 2, 2011


Knock! Knock!

Who's there?


June who?

D'you know this one?

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?


June who?

D'you need any help?

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?


June who?

D'you not think this is silly?

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?


June who?

D'you knock my door as much as I knock yours?

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?


June who?

D'you never get tired of this?

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?


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About Me

Mike Church
Mike Church

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